Vampires: Starting from the top

I just read Burlap’s last post.  It was about as dry as the bones in the Catholic Ossuary 30 minutes down the road.  Johan knows his stuff, but he has a tendency to flex his mental muscle whenever he gets a chance.  I’m cool with that, considering it’s probably the only muscle he works.  When JSB’s not working on updating the SASR archives, he’s busy cataloging, cross-referencing, and re-indexing the search engines.  He’s got all the habits of a librarian on crystal meth.

And I mean that in a good way, Johan.  I really do.  The SASR wouldn’t be able to function without the man.  Under his guidance the SASR turned from a bunch of bookworms in a small English hamlet to a formidable opponent of the Unholy.  Burlap helped the SASR get a considerable amount of funds, most of which gets spent on recon missions and R&D work.  Guess who gets to field test most of the new weapons?  If your answer involved a one-eyed man with the initials “M.Y.” you’re on the right track.

It’s been a busy day at the SASR. Most of my day has been spent in the gym and with the R&D monkeys.  JSB’s got me on a red-eye later in the week to scout a potential Red Court nest in some high-dollar San Francisco neighborhood.   Even though this is technically one of the SASR’s standard “recon” missions I’m taking a couple of new toys with me.  The first is a UV flashlight that runs off a D-Cell sized lithium ion battery.  R&D tells me this thing puts out enough sunlight level UV radiation to give a human third degree burns.  Can’t wait to see what it does on a bloodsucker.

Toy number two is an auto-fire paintball gun.  It’s loaded with “paintballs” consisting of silver nitrate and JSB’s patented “garlic juice.”  Pull the trigger and any bloodsucker in range is gonna need a late night trip to the local druggist for some serious facewash.

I’m getting off track here.  This is an informational blog, not my personal diary.  If someone asks, I might post my standard hunter’s kit along with a conditioning workout or two.  Today’s topic is the Undead–Vampires.

For starters, a vampire is basically the reanimated corpse of a human being inhabited by the spirit of a particular demon.   Most live on a diet of fresh human blood.  Some feed through other means (I’ll get to that in a minute), but most get their daily allotment of vitamins with what’s running through your veins.

Vampires started organizing in groups around the 16th century, after one of the Black Court got a little too prominent for the rest of the Undead’s liking.  As of this writing, there’s currently three distinct species of vampires.  They’re called the Black Court, the Red Court, and the White Court.  Johan’s got alternate names for each of them (that whole scientific genus/species/whatever thing) so I’m going to try and include them in each description.

Black Court: Vampirus Nosferatu

The Black Court vampires are your typical bloodsucker.  Pale skin, yellowed teeth with elongated canines, usually older-looking than most vamps, and they smell like the inside of a nursing home on a good day.

The first recorded case of a Black Court vampire that I can find in the SASR archives is a Romanian tyrant named Vlad Tepes III, otherwise known as Vlad Dracul.  Vlad was known by his people as “The Impaler” because he liked to stick those who disagreed with his public policies on large, sharp pointy sticks.   So much for free speech or anything resembling a Constitution.  Tepes was killed by the Turks in 1476 when Constantinople decided the fanger was a threat and buried in an island monastery near Bucharest.  Smartest thing the Turks ever did, if you ask me.

The Black Court is still around, but their ranks are dwindling.  That’s because an Englishman named Bram Stoker figured out how to kill off Black Court vampires and published it in a book called–big surprise–“Dracula.”  Most people take it as a work of fiction, but the material in it will enable any civilian to kill a Black Court vampire.

Vampires of the Black Court are super-strong, fast, and can cast Black Magick if necessary.  They’re easy to kill if you’ve got the right equipment and training, though.  The Black possess lethal allergies to silver and garlic.  A stake through the heart turns a Black Court vampire to dust, as does severing the head from the body.  One of the most effective weapons against the Black, though, is faith.  Any symbol of faith will stop a Black Court bloodsucker in its tracks.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a crucifix or a pentacle; the point is that the person wielding the symbol actually believe in the power it represents.  The demon inside a Black Court vampire can’t stand the very nature of faith in a Higher Power, and they’ll stop dead in their tracks.

(Get it?  Dead.  I made a funny. )
When the Black Court travels together, they travel in groups called “covens.”  Not really sure why the Black calls its groups that; maybe it’s because they can cast spells.  Burlap can expound on that if he wants.

Red Court: Vampirus Obscurum

The Red Court is another old species of vampire, almost as old as the Black.  Red Court vampires don’t look anything like a Black Court bloodsucker on the surface.  They’re actually quite good looking when you see one.  Smell good, look stunning, and most are socialites in high society regardless of where they go.

The beauty a Red Court vampire possesses is only skin deep, though.  Literally.  Each Red Court vampire is actually a hideous, leathery bat-like humanoid wearing a “fleshmask.”  A fleshmask is like a snake’s skin except the Red Court suckers don’t lose theirs once a month.  Any time a Red Court vampire gets angry–and I’m talking homicidal angry–off comes the fleshmask and you see the Red’s true nature.  After a Red Court vamp calms down and the inner demon achieves “balance,” it will regenerate the fleshmask.

The biggest difference between the Red and the Black–besides appearance–is the Red’s narcotic saliva.  It’s how they get their victims, and how they make sure the feeding process is painless.  Red saliva is–and I’m going off the SASR notes here–three times stronger than heroin and three hundred times as addictive.  Once you get as much as a kiss from a Red, you’re hooked.  You’ll beg for more.

Reds don’t possess the lethal allergies of Black Court vampires, but they do turn crispy when exposed to sunlight.  They also can’t stand symbols of faith either; but where a Black Court vamp won’t budge in its tracks at a faith symbol the Red just get really, really testy.  As in “rip your head off and feed it to the dogs” testy.

The Reds have a key weakness the other courts don’t have, though.  They’re incredibly vain.  The Black and the White Courts at least have some sense when dealing with humans; they know mankind is essential to their continued existence.  Reds think of us as cattle–an expendable resource that is there simply for their own amusement.  If you’re smart, you can exploit this.

Packs of Reds travel in “nests.”  Makes sense considering they look like bats, I guess.  I’m all for taking out large numbers of fangers at once, but don’t try this at home unless you’ve got serious firepower with you.  Worse still, when a Red groups with other Reds they start to lose any semblance of humanity.  They turn cold, cruel, and sociopathic.

White Court: Vampirus Incubi (male), Vampirus Succubi (female)

White Court vampires are different from the other two courts in that they don’t require human blood.  White Court vampires feed on sexual energy.  They can take by touch, but usually prefer to feed through sexual intercourse with their victims.  It’s more of a rush for the vampire and tends to weaken the (un)lucky human who becomes the target of a White’s affections.  It also guarantees the White Court eternal job security in the porn industry.

Whites are pale-skinned like Black Court vampires but possess the beauty of Red Court bloodsuckers.  They’re also immune to garlic and silver just makes them weak.  Holy symbols don’t work on the White Court either, and they can walk in sunlight.  IF you catch a White Court vampire in the sun, though, it’s a dead giveaway: their skin starts to sparkle like a stripper covered in body glitter.  They also possess the strength and speed of the other Courts, which makes them almost impossible to kill.  They’re real “people pleasers,” though, and most White Court fangers are quite pleasant when you meet them.  Guess they’ve gotta be to keep on living.

Whites are hopeless romantics, though.  They will latch on to a victim, believing that they’ve found their “one true love” and pursue him or her to death’s door.  If you can work up some flowery language, maybe buy one some roses or a diamond…they’ll come right to your doorstep.  Once again, another tactic brought to you by the fine folks at SASR.

How do you kill a White Court vampire?  We’ve found two methods to be effective.  The first is the old “stake and beheading” method, but that gets messy and it’s hard to pin one down long enough to get the job done in that method.

The more fun method the SASR discovered is starvation.  White Court vampires have to satiate their thirst on a regular basis–at least three to four times a week.  If they don’t get “laid” after about two weeks they start to get rude and cranky from the Hunger.  Three weeks in and they’re downright miserable.  At one month without sexual energy, a White Court vampire will die an agonizing death.

We figured out this one by burying a White Court vampire six feet under in a titanium coffin chained with silver somewhere in Oregon.  The SASR field rep for the area tells me he can still hear the screams of the fanger at night.  Wuss.

That’s enough for now.  My next post will debunk a few myths about vampires, including how they turn their victims.


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An Introduction to Dhampir and the Differences with Vampires

Well now, after hearing Mr. Young decry that there’s no difference between the two, I shall have to educate him on the matter.  Again.

A “Dhampir” is a half human, half vampire (the word itself comes from two Albanian words “pire” and “dham” which stand for “drink” and “teeth” respectively.)  The odds of this happening are slim and there are very few instances, but it happens.  The child is born from a male vampire and a human mother, it does not work the other way around.  A vampiric mother will give birth to a vampire even if the male donor is human.  The female vampire’s genes will always dominate the male’s.

It’s been known to happen that a woman would freely give herself to a vampire lover, usually not knowing that her lover is such a creature until it is too late.  However more likely, since it’s been recorded as far back as 1593 in what is now known as Slovenia, that the male vampires have raped their intended targets while biting them.  IF the woman survives and becomes pregnant, the child has a very high probability of becoming a dhampir.

The dhampir is very much a vampire in nature, requiring plasma from blood to sustain themselves.  However, they do have human characteristics and can sustain themselves by eating food if necessary.  Dhampir have been known to walk in bright sunlight as well, although the level of UV rays they can handle differ from creature to creature.  It depends on whether or not the father could tolerate any sunlight at all, as it is possible for some vampires to walk in very low levels of sunlight without their skin burning from the UV sunlight.

The dhampir is a very formidable foe, a vampire without the vampire weaknesses.  They are a rare creature but just as dangerous.  That Mr. Young ran into a pack of such things is frightening indeed.

(There are even rarer instances where the dhampir is much weaker than a human, although there is very little information on this phenomenon and I wouldn’t presume that if I ran into a dhampir that it would be in such a state.)

Being part vampire, they are susceptible to the usual ways of dispatching a normal vampire.  An oak stake through the heart and decapitation is the ideal way to dispatch a dhampir.  Guns, which have little effect on vampires, do some damage and slow dhampir down and are useful when used in conjunction with the manner of killing a vampire.

Defending yourselves is difficult.  They are faster and stronger than a human.  They can bite anywhere, particularly where your major arteries are, to get the sustenance they need.  Wearing anything thick and bite-proof over these areas is vital for survival.  If your intent is to kill, it’s best to start attacking from far away with your gun or crossbow and work your way up to the wounded creature to finish it off.  A direct attack will yield poor results unless you are expertly trained in self-defense and even then you may be in more trouble than you think.


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An Introduction to the World of the Supernatural

Good day, ladies and gentlemen.  My name is Johan Sebastien Burlap.  My colleague has already written an introduction for me so I shall just skip ahead to what we do at SASR.

Up until a few years ago, the SASR was a small group of fact-checking individuals fascinated and perturbed about the supernatural.  For many centuries, there has been a dark side to humanity and I’m not just talking about the living.  There’s something more evil and sinister lurking about. You may initially scoff at the mere thought, but there are creatures such as vampires, zombies and werewolves that do exist in our world.

Over the decades, the SASR has been researching these phenomena.  Many men and women have put there lives on the line to learn the how’s and why’s of these ghouls and how we may be able to rid the world of these creatures.  Our archives are filled with the knowledge and know-how for what you need in order to hopefully survive and defend yourselves.

It’s been difficult getting this information out to the public due to rampant skepticism among the masses who immediately dismiss this information as “made up junk.”  This is not the case, I assure you.  What you will find is useful information designed to protect you and your loved ones. We have decided to put this information out on a blog for many reasons.  It’s quick, hardly anyone reads a book in this day and age, millions of people turn to the Internet for information.

After his unfortunate run-in with dhampir (half human, half vampires — Mr. Young refuses to classify them as such, only as vampires, but he’s wrong), Mr. Young came to us to be one of the few hunters we have in the group, putting our knowledge to the ultimate test.  He is, as some would put it, “the Man.”

What you will ultimately read are proven facts and procedures that will maximize your ability to stay safe and protect yourselves.  Heed our words wisely.


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Introductions: Not necessary, but being done.

Morning, folks.  Name’s Mason Young.

I’m sorta new to this blogging stuff, but Johan Burlap (my mentor and colleague at the SASR headquarters in Throckmorton-on-the-Green in England) says that this is the best way to get out the information we’re compiling to civilians these days.

Personally, I don’t like the Internet.  Never have.  Then again, I know more than most about who created it.  And no, in case you’re wondering, Al Gore had nothing to do with the creation of the ‘Net.  Burlap says the art of the printed word is slowly dying out, and people across the globe are using the Internet more and more to get information.
That’s what we’re about.  Information for humans, designed to save humans from the creatures of the night.

I know a lot about the supernatural.  I send weres, vampires, and zombies regularly back to the abyss of the Great Hereafter.  Learned how to banish demons at age 21, when most people are starting to drink themselves into early liver failure.  I saw my first ghost at age 19 and figured out how to put spirits to rest the year after that.

“Mason,” you might be asking, “why do you have such a chip on your shoulder against vampires, werewolves, and the rest of the supernatural world?”  I got a great reason, morons.  A vampire slaughtered my entire family in front of my eyes when I was 16.  Tied me to a chair in my own home, drained every last drop he could from my mother, father, and sister, then took my right eye before he left as a “souvenir of the glorious occasion.”  Bastard told me he never wanted me to forget what he did to me.

I staked the son of a bitch two weeks later.  It was my first kill.  Been figuring out ways to kill off the supernatural ever since.  As I made my way around the U.S.A., ghosting (pardon the pun) anything that might be a threat to humans, I happened to catch the attention of some very powerful people. I also found out that there’s a lot of conflicting information on the supernatural world.

Enter my friend and colleague, Johan Burlap.  He’s the head researcher of a group called the Society for the Advancement of Supernatural Research (or SASR for short).  Burlap’s also an ordained minister in the Catholic church, which makes him useful to me since he can bless tap water and make it a weapon against the living dead.  He invited me to the SASR’s headquarters in Throckmorton-on-the-Green, England, with the promise of getting to read anything I wanted in the SASR archives.

We hit it off about as well as a working class guy like me and a stuffed shirt academic like Burlap could.  After drinking one night at the local Throckmorton pub (the Hammer and Stake–great porter if you’re ever in the neighborhood), we decided to put our heads together and give the rest of humanity the knowledge we’d acquired.

And that leads us back to this blog, and any written material that comes from it.  Most written works have dedications, so here’s mine:

This blog is dedicated to humanity. Regardless of our differences, we’ve got a common enemy: things that God never intended to walk the face of the earth.  These assholes think it’s “kill or be killed” when it comes to mankind, and we’re taking the fight to their front door.

No more living in fear.  It’s time humans took back the night.


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