Vampires: Starting from the top

I just read Burlap’s last post.  It was about as dry as the bones in the Catholic Ossuary 30 minutes down the road.  Johan knows his stuff, but he has a tendency to flex his mental muscle whenever he gets a chance.  I’m cool with that, considering it’s probably the only muscle he works.  When JSB’s not working on updating the SASR archives, he’s busy cataloging, cross-referencing, and re-indexing the search engines.  He’s got all the habits of a librarian on crystal meth.

And I mean that in a good way, Johan.  I really do.  The SASR wouldn’t be able to function without the man.  Under his guidance the SASR turned from a bunch of bookworms in a small English hamlet to a formidable opponent of the Unholy.  Burlap helped the SASR get a considerable amount of funds, most of which gets spent on recon missions and R&D work.  Guess who gets to field test most of the new weapons?  If your answer involved a one-eyed man with the initials “M.Y.” you’re on the right track.

It’s been a busy day at the SASR. Most of my day has been spent in the gym and with the R&D monkeys.  JSB’s got me on a red-eye later in the week to scout a potential Red Court nest in some high-dollar San Francisco neighborhood.   Even though this is technically one of the SASR’s standard “recon” missions I’m taking a couple of new toys with me.  The first is a UV flashlight that runs off a D-Cell sized lithium ion battery.  R&D tells me this thing puts out enough sunlight level UV radiation to give a human third degree burns.  Can’t wait to see what it does on a bloodsucker.

Toy number two is an auto-fire paintball gun.  It’s loaded with “paintballs” consisting of silver nitrate and JSB’s patented “garlic juice.”  Pull the trigger and any bloodsucker in range is gonna need a late night trip to the local druggist for some serious facewash.

I’m getting off track here.  This is an informational blog, not my personal diary.  If someone asks, I might post my standard hunter’s kit along with a conditioning workout or two.  Today’s topic is the Undead–Vampires.

For starters, a vampire is basically the reanimated corpse of a human being inhabited by the spirit of a particular demon.   Most live on a diet of fresh human blood.  Some feed through other means (I’ll get to that in a minute), but most get their daily allotment of vitamins with what’s running through your veins.

Vampires started organizing in groups around the 16th century, after one of the Black Court got a little too prominent for the rest of the Undead’s liking.  As of this writing, there’s currently three distinct species of vampires.  They’re called the Black Court, the Red Court, and the White Court.  Johan’s got alternate names for each of them (that whole scientific genus/species/whatever thing) so I’m going to try and include them in each description.

Black Court: Vampirus Nosferatu

The Black Court vampires are your typical bloodsucker.  Pale skin, yellowed teeth with elongated canines, usually older-looking than most vamps, and they smell like the inside of a nursing home on a good day.

The first recorded case of a Black Court vampire that I can find in the SASR archives is a Romanian tyrant named Vlad Tepes III, otherwise known as Vlad Dracul.  Vlad was known by his people as “The Impaler” because he liked to stick those who disagreed with his public policies on large, sharp pointy sticks.   So much for free speech or anything resembling a Constitution.  Tepes was killed by the Turks in 1476 when Constantinople decided the fanger was a threat and buried in an island monastery near Bucharest.  Smartest thing the Turks ever did, if you ask me.

The Black Court is still around, but their ranks are dwindling.  That’s because an Englishman named Bram Stoker figured out how to kill off Black Court vampires and published it in a book called–big surprise–“Dracula.”  Most people take it as a work of fiction, but the material in it will enable any civilian to kill a Black Court vampire.

Vampires of the Black Court are super-strong, fast, and can cast Black Magick if necessary.  They’re easy to kill if you’ve got the right equipment and training, though.  The Black possess lethal allergies to silver and garlic.  A stake through the heart turns a Black Court vampire to dust, as does severing the head from the body.  One of the most effective weapons against the Black, though, is faith.  Any symbol of faith will stop a Black Court bloodsucker in its tracks.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a crucifix or a pentacle; the point is that the person wielding the symbol actually believe in the power it represents.  The demon inside a Black Court vampire can’t stand the very nature of faith in a Higher Power, and they’ll stop dead in their tracks.

(Get it?  Dead.  I made a funny. )
When the Black Court travels together, they travel in groups called “covens.”  Not really sure why the Black calls its groups that; maybe it’s because they can cast spells.  Burlap can expound on that if he wants.

Red Court: Vampirus Obscurum

The Red Court is another old species of vampire, almost as old as the Black.  Red Court vampires don’t look anything like a Black Court bloodsucker on the surface.  They’re actually quite good looking when you see one.  Smell good, look stunning, and most are socialites in high society regardless of where they go.

The beauty a Red Court vampire possesses is only skin deep, though.  Literally.  Each Red Court vampire is actually a hideous, leathery bat-like humanoid wearing a “fleshmask.”  A fleshmask is like a snake’s skin except the Red Court suckers don’t lose theirs once a month.  Any time a Red Court vampire gets angry–and I’m talking homicidal angry–off comes the fleshmask and you see the Red’s true nature.  After a Red Court vamp calms down and the inner demon achieves “balance,” it will regenerate the fleshmask.

The biggest difference between the Red and the Black–besides appearance–is the Red’s narcotic saliva.  It’s how they get their victims, and how they make sure the feeding process is painless.  Red saliva is–and I’m going off the SASR notes here–three times stronger than heroin and three hundred times as addictive.  Once you get as much as a kiss from a Red, you’re hooked.  You’ll beg for more.

Reds don’t possess the lethal allergies of Black Court vampires, but they do turn crispy when exposed to sunlight.  They also can’t stand symbols of faith either; but where a Black Court vamp won’t budge in its tracks at a faith symbol the Red just get really, really testy.  As in “rip your head off and feed it to the dogs” testy.

The Reds have a key weakness the other courts don’t have, though.  They’re incredibly vain.  The Black and the White Courts at least have some sense when dealing with humans; they know mankind is essential to their continued existence.  Reds think of us as cattle–an expendable resource that is there simply for their own amusement.  If you’re smart, you can exploit this.

Packs of Reds travel in “nests.”  Makes sense considering they look like bats, I guess.  I’m all for taking out large numbers of fangers at once, but don’t try this at home unless you’ve got serious firepower with you.  Worse still, when a Red groups with other Reds they start to lose any semblance of humanity.  They turn cold, cruel, and sociopathic.

White Court: Vampirus Incubi (male), Vampirus Succubi (female)

White Court vampires are different from the other two courts in that they don’t require human blood.  White Court vampires feed on sexual energy.  They can take by touch, but usually prefer to feed through sexual intercourse with their victims.  It’s more of a rush for the vampire and tends to weaken the (un)lucky human who becomes the target of a White’s affections.  It also guarantees the White Court eternal job security in the porn industry.

Whites are pale-skinned like Black Court vampires but possess the beauty of Red Court bloodsuckers.  They’re also immune to garlic and silver just makes them weak.  Holy symbols don’t work on the White Court either, and they can walk in sunlight.  IF you catch a White Court vampire in the sun, though, it’s a dead giveaway: their skin starts to sparkle like a stripper covered in body glitter.  They also possess the strength and speed of the other Courts, which makes them almost impossible to kill.  They’re real “people pleasers,” though, and most White Court fangers are quite pleasant when you meet them.  Guess they’ve gotta be to keep on living.

Whites are hopeless romantics, though.  They will latch on to a victim, believing that they’ve found their “one true love” and pursue him or her to death’s door.  If you can work up some flowery language, maybe buy one some roses or a diamond…they’ll come right to your doorstep.  Once again, another tactic brought to you by the fine folks at SASR.

How do you kill a White Court vampire?  We’ve found two methods to be effective.  The first is the old “stake and beheading” method, but that gets messy and it’s hard to pin one down long enough to get the job done in that method.

The more fun method the SASR discovered is starvation.  White Court vampires have to satiate their thirst on a regular basis–at least three to four times a week.  If they don’t get “laid” after about two weeks they start to get rude and cranky from the Hunger.  Three weeks in and they’re downright miserable.  At one month without sexual energy, a White Court vampire will die an agonizing death.

We figured out this one by burying a White Court vampire six feet under in a titanium coffin chained with silver somewhere in Oregon.  The SASR field rep for the area tells me he can still hear the screams of the fanger at night.  Wuss.

That’s enough for now.  My next post will debunk a few myths about vampires, including how they turn their victims.



About sasrguide

I'm 30. I used to live in New Orleans, Louisiana. A vampire killed my family at age 16 and I've been killing supernatural creatures with the aid of the Society for the Advancement of Supernatural Research's Johan Burlap ever since.
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